I’ve found it difficult to write this month. Each new idea arrives too unformed to share immediately, too vague to understand.
Some days, it is easy to write and talk about migraine. Days like the afternoon a week ago when my father-in-law asked me over a beer to discuss the Alice-in-Wonderland-syndrome hallucinations that accompany my auras. On days like that, I have no trouble recounting my experiences, no matter how incredible they might seem to someone who doesn’t have migraine disease.
Other days, though, like last Saturday when my husband wanted to chat about the potential causes of migraine, it’s not so easy. On those days, the hard days, I feel too raw to write and talk, too emotionally spent to walk someone without the illness through the experience of having it. This can hurt the people, like my husband, who just want to understand what I’m going through and help if and where they can. Intellectually, I know this, but that doesn’t make the hard days any easier.
Over the past few days, I’ve tried to figure out why some days (and months) are harder than others. Why on some days the words – either oral or written – pour forth and why on others they don’t. What I’ve learned is there isn’t one reason or even a handful of reasons. There are a multitude that may or may not apply at any given time, including:
- whether we’re having a migraine; (I find it exceptionally difficult to form complete, well formed sentences in the midst of a migraine attack. Migraine also makes me irritable and emotionally sensitive, which can mean certain conversations are more difficult to have in the midst of an attack.)
- whether we’re recovering from a migraine; (The migraine hangover is notorious for stealing my ability to put effort into a conversation.)
- whether we’re feeling emotionally secure; (It’s hard to open up about things that we feel might make us look bad/lazy/stupid/”crazy” if we’re feeling insecure about ourselves.)
- whether we’re tired; (Sleep deprivation turns even notable geniuses into blathering idiots.)
- whether we’re stressed; (Stress does a number on our mental capabilities. It also saps our energy.)
- whether we’re feeling understood; (If we’re feeling misunderstood, we’re already operating from a place of defensiveness and insecurity, which makes effective communication nearly impossible.)
The truth is, creativity and self-expression are, like migraine itself, often cyclical. Our ability to express ourselves is tied, like our physical health, to any number of things. The best we can do is accept this reality and ask those around us to hold off on the questions until we feel like talking.
How about you? What makes it easy or difficult for you to talk about migraine?